Sooooo, it's been awhile since I've posted here. So I thought I'd throw in a random post! A friend of mine recently asked me: "I have heard a variety of opinions about what boundaries a couple should set on their physical relationship while they are "dating." What are your thoughts?"
Here's is my reply (warning, it's something of a rough draft):
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Person I'm Replying To,
Sorry about taking so long to reply. I've been busy with a few things the last few months and kept forgetting, except when I was busy.
Personally I think physical limits are rather subjective as to the relationship. With me and Hannah we didn't hold hands for the first month, and tried to always stay in public or around friends when hanging out.
I believe in general you won't run into any problems so long as you don't look for a line or border. While that may sounds wrong at first let me explain the thought process behind it.
If you have a line you will walk right up to it on a regular basis. And once you're right next to the line you will really want to step over it. Once you step over it you'll usually rationalize it, and redraw the line. And when you're not with the other person you won't be right up against the line, and you'll feel really good that you have boundaries set on your relationship to keep you safe. It can also cause you to become very tempted to judge others.
The thought process I would encourage isn't based on a line that shouldn't be crossed, but rather two polar opposites. The world is made up of gray, there is rarely a distinct line between what is good and what is bad, almost every good act has some bad aspects to it, and the reverse is true as well.
So instead of trying to imagining that there is some line in the sand between good and evil, imagine that you're climbing a hill. At the top is perfection, spiritually and physically, and at the bottom is anti-perfection. Instead of finding a comfortable ledge to hang out on, keep climbing towards the top. Will you slip? Yes, but not as far as if you were just standing on the ledge, and since you're in shape from all that climbing you'll regain what you lost faster.
Okay, so practically how does this work? On a regular basis evaluate why you're making the decisions you're making. Are you putting your arm around her because you love her and want to show that or comfort her, or are you putting your arm around her because it feels good. The action is the same but the cause is different, and because the cause is different the actions that come after will be different.
If you are merely trying to show your love sex will very rarely be a reasonable avenue, flowers and home made food do it much better. If you are doing it because it feels good, well, I've met someone that doesn't think sex does/will feel good, and so that's a reasonable path to take.
Now this will lead to limits, but it will not state them. Also, it's not always bad to do something just because it "feels good." But it does mean you need to be very careful how you tread, especially when that good feeling involves someone else.
I hope this helps you somewhat. I know it doesn't give a definitive answer to your question, but I don't necessarily believe there is one. Everyone's relationships are different, and everyone's beliefs are different. And unless you feel called by God you shouldn't (in my opinion) judge other people by your standard (remember, some people believe it's wrong to eat pork).
If you have any other questions or need a clarification on what I said please feel free to write back. I'll try to get back in a more timely manner (like, within 24hrs).
Sincerely,
Joseph
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Any thoughts on my thoughts?
~joe/ish
